Do Children Grieve?

     When there is a death in a family, grief among the adults is more easily visible.  The adults will even seek professional help to find someone to walk with them through the grief process, yet many are hesitant to help children through their own grief.  Why is this?  Because there is a misconception that children are too young to grieve.  At what age do children become old enough to experience grief?  The best answer I have found regarding this answer is, "Once a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve".  So why are children often forgotten in the grief process?  When there has been a death in the family and family members are asked, "How are the children handling it?" the response most often is, "They are fine."  Why does a child's grieve go unnoticed as "fine"?  The answer lies within the child's own coping mechanisms to keep them from experiencing overwhelming feelings all at once.  For example, a child may be outside playing on their swings right after their father's funeral rather than inside crying.  The child just saw the finality of life from someone they loved and cherished and they are experiencing a huge amount of sadness and once the sadness reaches a certain point, the child diverts his or her attention toward something else until they feel they can manage the emotions again.  This is the reason that grief moments will pop in and out with a child.  Another example is being at the checkout counter and a child looks at the cashier and says, "My mother died," then continues on looking at the candy while everyone is stunned and doesn't know how to respond.  The thoughts of her mother's death was on her mind and she needed to release it, but just for a moment because it also came with a lot of sadness that is overwhelming.  This is how children deal with their grief, as much as they can and in bits and pieces.
     If you know of a child who has lost a loved one, how can you help?  Every child is different and the grief processes is unique to every individual.  Sometimes a child might feel as though they cannot talk about their loved one with the ones they are closest too because that person is grieving as well and may experience sadness and tears.  This is when it is important to let the child know that it is ok to talk about the person and that crying is ok.  This is also why having the child to a professional can be most beneficial because the child may be experiencing thoughts and emotions they feel as though they cannot express for fear of how others will respond.  For example, a child whose father was diagnosed with cancer and he watched his father suffer and in pain may experience a sense of relief at his father's passing because he is not in pain anymore but still grieve the loss at the same time. That child may be afraid to share such thoughts and feelings with his mother because he doesn't want to upset her, or because he feels guilty that he is bad for thinking those thoughts and doesn't want his mom to think he is a bad person too.  Many children are not used to feeling so many emotions at a time and it becomes difficult for them to sort them out.  Having the child talk through their thoughts and emotions and realizing that what they are experiencing is healthy and normal.
     Coping skills that I offer is to allow the child to put up pictures or create a scrapbook of their loved one.  Be sure that you offer them pictures that they can use that are not irreplaceable and allow them to be creative.  When working with a group of sibling who were grieving the loss of their father, the youngest sibling drew on a picture of their father to represent her sadness and the older brother became upset.  Once I explained that this was her project and this is how she was expressing her grief, he was ok with it.  I offer the same advice to you, give your child the freedom of creativity when creating a scrapbook.  Another great idea is to create a place for memories…you can create a tree and write memories on paper leaves and hang them on the tree, you could write them on a post it note and put on the wall, you can write them on strips of paper and put in a clear mason jar, you can write one or two words about the person on a rock and keep the collection of rocks somewhere special.  This allows the child to share the memories whenever they feel one popping up.  Sometimes children are fearful they will forget the person so this helps with that too.  Helping your child to understand what emotions they are feeling can help because sometimes they may have never experienced some of these emotions before and don't even know what they are called, let alone how to express them.  Children will go through the varying stages of grief so give them coping skills for each stage.  When they feel angry, allow them to express their anger in appropriate ways.  If your child is mad at cancer for his father's death, then write cancer on a piece of paper and let your child destroy that paper.  If your child is experiencing sadness or depression, suggest they write about their feelings or even write a letter to their lost loved one.  When the child starts to feel better, they may even experience some guilt over being happy, allow them to feel what they are feeling and assure them that this is normal.  Try not to make them feel guilty about feeling guilty; rather, validate their feelings, assure them this is normal, and let them know it's ok to be happy.  For children who are too young to write can express their emotions and memories through drawing.  Once your child has reached a high level of emotions, they will want to divert their attention to something else, let them.  Do not force your child to talk about their grief if they are not ready.  Grief can also cause your child to respond to the stress of their loss through ways that cause you to be concerns like wetting the bed, crying more easily, being more irritable, saying they miss their loved one when they are in trouble.  Be aware that your child's grief is surfacing and they are bring to deal with emotions that feel bigger than they are.  Working on the coping skills can help to alleviate these unpleasant coping mechanisms that come naturally.
     If your child is old enough to love, then they are old enough to grieve as grief is the price we pay for love.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC