Normal….or Not Nomal

     Is this normal?  Is this normal behavior for a child?  Should I be concerned?  How do i know when to seek help for my child?  These are the various questions I come face to face with not only as a counselor but also as a mom. For some reason, we grow up learning to compare ourselves to those around us, physically but also in the media.  Once we become a parent, we still compare ourselves to others Am I as good of a mom as that person?  Then something changes and we start comparing our children to other children: That child is the same age as my son and she's crawling already!  Is something wrong with my child?  That child is the same age as my daughter and she's speaking much more than my daughter.  Is something wrong with my child?  This comparison game can drive us crazy.  When trying to figure out what is normal, you need to consider what is typically normal for your child.  When my oldest son was attending preschool at the age of four, his teacher approached me with concerns.  She explained that my son was quiet in class and during free play he would often go off and play by himself and not with the other children.  Lack of socialization is a red flag for autism, so I understand her concern.  However, my son has always been more of an observer, more cautious, pleased to watch rather than one to just jump in and join others.  My son was not discontented playing by himself and never complained about being lonely or not having friends.  He did interact with other children just fine, but often chose to play alone.  As his teacher was quite concerned, I was not.  Why?  Because this was normal behavior for my son and his personality.  He had a little brother at home whom he always had to share stuff with and now he has the opportunity to play by himself.  He is my child who needs time to himself and not to be constantly surrounded by people and busyness.

     So when should parents be concerned?  You are the expert of your child, you know them best.  You understand what is normal behavior for your child.  You know if your child is typically shy or if this sudden fear of talking around people is new.  As a counselor when we are trying to help parents determine if the behavior they recognize in their child is worrisome, I encourage them to reflect on what is normal for their child.  Next, we take a look at if the behavior is causing the child distress and is effecting their ability to function in vary aspects of their life.  Another example, at bed time my children always go to the bathroom before hopping into bed.  My oldest will sometimes get up about 15 times within a 30 minute time period to use the bathroom.  For him to use the bathroom multiple times is normal, but that many times is excessive.  I realized that something more was wrong the night he was up past 11:00pm crying because he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking he had to go to the bathroom.  This habit was now causing him distress.  This was no longer normal but a concern.  He was cleared medically so it was not a physical ailment.  This is how his mind responds to stress by repeatedly telling him he has to go to the bathroom and the thoughts do not stop until he goes.  When dealing with obsessive thoughts, you cannot just tell yourself not to think about them as that just makes them stronger.  You need to distract your thoughts and delay gratification.

     Keeping this in mind when dealing with issues of anxiety or shyness.  Is your child's shyness interfering with her capabilities to learn in the classroom setting?  If your child is typically shy around new people then you can expect them to respond that way whenever they meet someone new, like their teacher at the beginning of the school year.  If your child is showing signs of shyness that was not there before, then you will want to work with your child to help figure out why (s)he became shy all of a sudden.  If your child is shy around new people, but continues to remain shy around a person even though (s)he has met them several times before, I would suggest talking with your child and finding out why.  Also keep in mind that there could be lots of reasons for your child's sudden shyness without it meaning that a traumatic event has occurred, but it's very important to talk with your child and open up the lines of communication as early as possible.
     Another issue children seemed to be faced with more and more in the recent past is anxiety.  Anxiety is our body's natural response to stressful stimuli and can actually be helpful in certain situations.  For example, when a child is up at bat they may feel anxious about whether or not they will be able to hit the baseball.  Their heart may race, their mind may race, they may experience a bit of tightness in their chest, but their adrenaline is pumping and allows them to continue on and swing at the pitch.  This is a normal example of healthy anxiety.  However, many children are experiencing anxiety about going to school, giving a presentation at school, speaking in school.  Social anxiety like this can be normal, especially for a child who tends to be more shy or introverted.  However, when the anxiety gets so bad that your child is experiencing physical symptoms and panic attacks that are causing them to miss school or fail assignments, then there is reason to be concerned.  Also, look for congruency.  If your child has severe anxiety over giving a presentation in front of her class but displays no anxiety over giving a presentation at church, then the setting is the cause of the anxiety not the presentation itself.  many children will get up in front of the class with a presentation and speak with a bit of a shaky voice or shaky hands, but the child who has anxiety so bad that they are throwing up prior to the presentation is not on the scale of normal behavior.  You can work with your child to help identify what is causing them to feel so much anxiety…yes, the presentation, but what is it about presenting the presentation?  Is it fear of failing?  Is it fear of being heard?  Is it fear of having everyone look at them?  Is it fear of being made fun of?  Once you know the root cause, then you can help. Teaching your child relaxation skills to help manage their anxiety is a great tool that will last them through their lifetime as anxiety will always be a part of their lives, but it doesn't have to be a destructive part of their lives.
     As a parent, you are the expert of your child and I urge you to follow your gut instinct.  If you feel as though you are concerned with a behavior in your child, there is no harm in talking with a professional.  A professional will be honest with you and tell you if they think the behavior in your child is normal or if there is reason to be concerned.  Sometimes children can respond to their environment in ways you had not anticipated, so when you see behavior changes, be sure to check to see if there have been any recent changes in the child's life that could be the cause of these changes.  Be on the look out for behaviors that are not congruent and cause a disturbance in your child's ability to function in everyday tasks.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC