Do Children Grieve?

     When there is a death in a family, grief among the adults is more easily visible.  The adults will even seek professional help to find someone to walk with them through the grief process, yet many are hesitant to help children through their own grief.  Why is this?  Because there is a misconception that children are too young to grieve.  At what age do children become old enough to experience grief?  The best answer I have found regarding this answer is, "Once a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve".  So why are children often forgotten in the grief process?  When there has been a death in the family and family members are asked, "How are the children handling it?" the response most often is, "They are fine."  Why does a child's grieve go unnoticed as "fine"?  The answer lies within the child's own coping mechanisms to keep them from experiencing overwhelming feelings all at once.  For example, a child may be outside playing on their swings right after their father's funeral rather than inside crying.  The child just saw the finality of life from someone they loved and cherished and they are experiencing a huge amount of sadness and once the sadness reaches a certain point, the child diverts his or her attention toward something else until they feel they can manage the emotions again.  This is the reason that grief moments will pop in and out with a child.  Another example is being at the checkout counter and a child looks at the cashier and says, "My mother died," then continues on looking at the candy while everyone is stunned and doesn't know how to respond.  The thoughts of her mother's death was on her mind and she needed to release it, but just for a moment because it also came with a lot of sadness that is overwhelming.  This is how children deal with their grief, as much as they can and in bits and pieces.
     If you know of a child who has lost a loved one, how can you help?  Every child is different and the grief processes is unique to every individual.  Sometimes a child might feel as though they cannot talk about their loved one with the ones they are closest too because that person is grieving as well and may experience sadness and tears.  This is when it is important to let the child know that it is ok to talk about the person and that crying is ok.  This is also why having the child to a professional can be most beneficial because the child may be experiencing thoughts and emotions they feel as though they cannot express for fear of how others will respond.  For example, a child whose father was diagnosed with cancer and he watched his father suffer and in pain may experience a sense of relief at his father's passing because he is not in pain anymore but still grieve the loss at the same time. That child may be afraid to share such thoughts and feelings with his mother because he doesn't want to upset her, or because he feels guilty that he is bad for thinking those thoughts and doesn't want his mom to think he is a bad person too.  Many children are not used to feeling so many emotions at a time and it becomes difficult for them to sort them out.  Having the child talk through their thoughts and emotions and realizing that what they are experiencing is healthy and normal.
     Coping skills that I offer is to allow the child to put up pictures or create a scrapbook of their loved one.  Be sure that you offer them pictures that they can use that are not irreplaceable and allow them to be creative.  When working with a group of sibling who were grieving the loss of their father, the youngest sibling drew on a picture of their father to represent her sadness and the older brother became upset.  Once I explained that this was her project and this is how she was expressing her grief, he was ok with it.  I offer the same advice to you, give your child the freedom of creativity when creating a scrapbook.  Another great idea is to create a place for memories…you can create a tree and write memories on paper leaves and hang them on the tree, you could write them on a post it note and put on the wall, you can write them on strips of paper and put in a clear mason jar, you can write one or two words about the person on a rock and keep the collection of rocks somewhere special.  This allows the child to share the memories whenever they feel one popping up.  Sometimes children are fearful they will forget the person so this helps with that too.  Helping your child to understand what emotions they are feeling can help because sometimes they may have never experienced some of these emotions before and don't even know what they are called, let alone how to express them.  Children will go through the varying stages of grief so give them coping skills for each stage.  When they feel angry, allow them to express their anger in appropriate ways.  If your child is mad at cancer for his father's death, then write cancer on a piece of paper and let your child destroy that paper.  If your child is experiencing sadness or depression, suggest they write about their feelings or even write a letter to their lost loved one.  When the child starts to feel better, they may even experience some guilt over being happy, allow them to feel what they are feeling and assure them that this is normal.  Try not to make them feel guilty about feeling guilty; rather, validate their feelings, assure them this is normal, and let them know it's ok to be happy.  For children who are too young to write can express their emotions and memories through drawing.  Once your child has reached a high level of emotions, they will want to divert their attention to something else, let them.  Do not force your child to talk about their grief if they are not ready.  Grief can also cause your child to respond to the stress of their loss through ways that cause you to be concerns like wetting the bed, crying more easily, being more irritable, saying they miss their loved one when they are in trouble.  Be aware that your child's grief is surfacing and they are bring to deal with emotions that feel bigger than they are.  Working on the coping skills can help to alleviate these unpleasant coping mechanisms that come naturally.
     If your child is old enough to love, then they are old enough to grieve as grief is the price we pay for love.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC

Normal….or Not Nomal

     Is this normal?  Is this normal behavior for a child?  Should I be concerned?  How do i know when to seek help for my child?  These are the various questions I come face to face with not only as a counselor but also as a mom. For some reason, we grow up learning to compare ourselves to those around us, physically but also in the media.  Once we become a parent, we still compare ourselves to others Am I as good of a mom as that person?  Then something changes and we start comparing our children to other children: That child is the same age as my son and she's crawling already!  Is something wrong with my child?  That child is the same age as my daughter and she's speaking much more than my daughter.  Is something wrong with my child?  This comparison game can drive us crazy.  When trying to figure out what is normal, you need to consider what is typically normal for your child.  When my oldest son was attending preschool at the age of four, his teacher approached me with concerns.  She explained that my son was quiet in class and during free play he would often go off and play by himself and not with the other children.  Lack of socialization is a red flag for autism, so I understand her concern.  However, my son has always been more of an observer, more cautious, pleased to watch rather than one to just jump in and join others.  My son was not discontented playing by himself and never complained about being lonely or not having friends.  He did interact with other children just fine, but often chose to play alone.  As his teacher was quite concerned, I was not.  Why?  Because this was normal behavior for my son and his personality.  He had a little brother at home whom he always had to share stuff with and now he has the opportunity to play by himself.  He is my child who needs time to himself and not to be constantly surrounded by people and busyness.

     So when should parents be concerned?  You are the expert of your child, you know them best.  You understand what is normal behavior for your child.  You know if your child is typically shy or if this sudden fear of talking around people is new.  As a counselor when we are trying to help parents determine if the behavior they recognize in their child is worrisome, I encourage them to reflect on what is normal for their child.  Next, we take a look at if the behavior is causing the child distress and is effecting their ability to function in vary aspects of their life.  Another example, at bed time my children always go to the bathroom before hopping into bed.  My oldest will sometimes get up about 15 times within a 30 minute time period to use the bathroom.  For him to use the bathroom multiple times is normal, but that many times is excessive.  I realized that something more was wrong the night he was up past 11:00pm crying because he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking he had to go to the bathroom.  This habit was now causing him distress.  This was no longer normal but a concern.  He was cleared medically so it was not a physical ailment.  This is how his mind responds to stress by repeatedly telling him he has to go to the bathroom and the thoughts do not stop until he goes.  When dealing with obsessive thoughts, you cannot just tell yourself not to think about them as that just makes them stronger.  You need to distract your thoughts and delay gratification.

     Keeping this in mind when dealing with issues of anxiety or shyness.  Is your child's shyness interfering with her capabilities to learn in the classroom setting?  If your child is typically shy around new people then you can expect them to respond that way whenever they meet someone new, like their teacher at the beginning of the school year.  If your child is showing signs of shyness that was not there before, then you will want to work with your child to help figure out why (s)he became shy all of a sudden.  If your child is shy around new people, but continues to remain shy around a person even though (s)he has met them several times before, I would suggest talking with your child and finding out why.  Also keep in mind that there could be lots of reasons for your child's sudden shyness without it meaning that a traumatic event has occurred, but it's very important to talk with your child and open up the lines of communication as early as possible.
     Another issue children seemed to be faced with more and more in the recent past is anxiety.  Anxiety is our body's natural response to stressful stimuli and can actually be helpful in certain situations.  For example, when a child is up at bat they may feel anxious about whether or not they will be able to hit the baseball.  Their heart may race, their mind may race, they may experience a bit of tightness in their chest, but their adrenaline is pumping and allows them to continue on and swing at the pitch.  This is a normal example of healthy anxiety.  However, many children are experiencing anxiety about going to school, giving a presentation at school, speaking in school.  Social anxiety like this can be normal, especially for a child who tends to be more shy or introverted.  However, when the anxiety gets so bad that your child is experiencing physical symptoms and panic attacks that are causing them to miss school or fail assignments, then there is reason to be concerned.  Also, look for congruency.  If your child has severe anxiety over giving a presentation in front of her class but displays no anxiety over giving a presentation at church, then the setting is the cause of the anxiety not the presentation itself.  many children will get up in front of the class with a presentation and speak with a bit of a shaky voice or shaky hands, but the child who has anxiety so bad that they are throwing up prior to the presentation is not on the scale of normal behavior.  You can work with your child to help identify what is causing them to feel so much anxiety…yes, the presentation, but what is it about presenting the presentation?  Is it fear of failing?  Is it fear of being heard?  Is it fear of having everyone look at them?  Is it fear of being made fun of?  Once you know the root cause, then you can help. Teaching your child relaxation skills to help manage their anxiety is a great tool that will last them through their lifetime as anxiety will always be a part of their lives, but it doesn't have to be a destructive part of their lives.
     As a parent, you are the expert of your child and I urge you to follow your gut instinct.  If you feel as though you are concerned with a behavior in your child, there is no harm in talking with a professional.  A professional will be honest with you and tell you if they think the behavior in your child is normal or if there is reason to be concerned.  Sometimes children can respond to their environment in ways you had not anticipated, so when you see behavior changes, be sure to check to see if there have been any recent changes in the child's life that could be the cause of these changes.  Be on the look out for behaviors that are not congruent and cause a disturbance in your child's ability to function in everyday tasks.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC

Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression

            Anyone who knows me, knows that I love babies!  I am the first person to ask to hold someone’s child as the feel of their tiny baby in my arms and that sweet baby smell brings me back to when I first became a mom.  That moment was the best moment in my life and every moment there after.  I absolutely loved everything about being a mom and caring for the sweet baby boy God had blessed me with.  Unfortunately, motherhood doesn’t always go this way.  Yes, motherhood is messy but it is not meant to be traumatic.  Motherhood is full of sweet baby smiles and cuddly moments but also sleepless nights, crying, and lots of dirty diapers.  So how can you tell the difference between regular motherhood struggles and post partum depression?  Many women experience what is referred to as the "baby blues" just a few weeks after giving birth where they experience mood swings and cries very easily.  The "baby blues" can look similar to depression, however, they only last about two weeks, so if your symptoms persist, you may be dealing with postpartum depression.  Taking a look at the symptoms and what you are experiencing as new mom as well as looking at the cause will help figure out if what you are struggling with is a normal part of motherhood or postpartum depression.  The onset of postpartum depression can begin anywhere within the first year of having a child and women can also experience a more susceptible period of getting postpartum depression when they wean from breastfeeding as the weaning process causes a shift in hormones as well.

            Postpartum depression has the same symptoms as depression…sleeping too much or too little, loss of appetite or eating too much, loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, feeling down or depressed most of the day, irritability, worry more, feeling anxious, thoughts of hurting yourself or others.  So let’s break this down a bit, symptom by symptom.  Are you sleeping too much or too little?  I know, what new mom doesn’t sleep too little?  Well, is your lack of sleep due to getting up with the baby or is it caused by the inability to fall asleep when you have the chance?  When you lay down to fall asleep does worry keep you up at night instead of the baby’s feedings?  When you are able to get some sleep, do you wake up feeling rested or just as tired as when you went to bed and you anticipate looking for times to take a nap?  Not eating….have you missed a meal because you barely had the chance to stop all day as you were taking care of your new baby or did you not eat because you have no desire to eat with no appetite.  Often new moms get so busy taking care of the baby and the house that they forget to take care of themselves and can often forget to eat a meal.  Skipping a meal because you are busy is not the same as losing your appetite. Sometimes depression can disguise itself as the opposite and you eat too much.  Many new moms, especially those who are breastfeeding may experience a heightened appetite to account for the extra calories they are burning off.  Are you eating more because you are hungry or are you trying to stuff down emotions you don’t want to surface?  Lack of motivation…have you not taken a shower in a few days because you don’t care or because your baby screams every time you set him down?  House chores are not fun, but are a necessity but can often be overlooked when adjusting to life with a newborn.  Is housework being neglected because you have no energy and motivation to do them or because you are tending to the needs of your baby.  Life changes when you enter motherhood and sometimes your interests change, which is normal.  Perhaps the friends you used to hang out with but don’t have children of their own aren’t available to hang out as much; that happens.  Are you declining hanging out with friends because you are not motivated to be around people and it doesn’t seem like fun to you anymore?  It is normal to keep your newborn baby away from lots of people when he or she is first born to protect from illnesses, so declining a chance to see friends on account of protecting your child is normal.  However, declining because you have no interest in being around others is a warning sign.  Isolation can be a dangerous outlet for a new mother as she is on maternity leave and left home alone with a newborn and not around a lot of people.  Perhaps you enjoyed partying at the bar but now you seek more child friendly atmospheres to enjoy now that you are a mom, this just means that your interests are changing, not that you are losing interest in things you once enjoyed.

            Worry is very much a part of motherhood as we are always trying to figure out if our child is happy and healthy and finding ways to keep them that way.  As a new mom you worry about if your child is eating enough, going to the bathroom enough, growing enough, do you vaccinate your child or not, do you take your child shopping and expose them to germs, if your child is sleeping enough or too much, you worry about SIDS.  These are all normal worries and concerns of motherhood.  When these concerns keep you awake at night, then they are becoming more obsessions than worry and can be a red flag for concern.  Many new moms have fears of their child dying because this is the first time you have loved someone to this extent and you can no longer imagine life without them.  Moms make have thoughts and fears of their child drowning in the tub or dying in a car accident, even though these thoughts are unpleasant, they can easily be shaken off and the mom can move on.  If your fears are stronger and you are unable to shake them off and the fears keep you from functioning normally, then that’s a red flag that something more is going on. 

            Sometimes we have life pictured so differently in our heads, like the birth plan for delivering your first child but things did not go as planned and you experience sadness about that, that’s ok.  However, if the sadness prevents you from bonding with your child or enjoying motherhood, then that’s a red flag.  Perhaps, even motherhood is not what you expected as your child may have medical problems or is colicky or you just weren’t exactly prepared for the extent of caring for a newborn.  This is a time period of adjustment and that’s normal.  If your response to these unmet expectations causes you to feel depressed or sad most of the day and causes increased anxiety that you cannot find relief from then that can be a red flag as well.   Perhaps your delivery was traumatic and you are left with horrible memories of what was suppose to be one of the most wonderful moments of your life.  If the memories of the traumatic birth cause increased anxiety or keeps you from bonding with your child, then that’s a red flag as well.  Also if you have nightmares or flashbacks of the traumatic experience then you may be faced with something more serious such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and seeking help from a professional would be very beneficial.

            Motherhood is a wonderful adventure that is meant to be enjoyed, not suffered through, but it is a part of life that is full of ups and downs.  Life changes, along with hormone changes, make a woman more susceptible to depression after the birth of a child.  This does not make you a bad mother or a failure, but it makes you human.  Knowing the warning signs of depression and the reasoning behind the symptoms you are experiencing can help you figure out if it is time to seek help so that you can enjoy motherhood to the fullest.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC

It's OK To Not Be OK

            I was listening to the radio the other day when the first line of a song struck a chord within me.  The song, Exhale by Plumb starts off, “It’s OK to not to be OK.”  I think that sometimes we feel as thought it’s not okay to experience the emotions that occur during our struggles.  In fact, I think most individuals are more willing to accept their struggles than their feelings.  The world has become more aware of varying emotional struggles in regards to depression and anxiety, however, individuals still fear a stigma surrounding a diagnosis so they work hard to disguise their emotional struggles which only makes it worse.  Let me also clarify that “It’s OK to not be OK” is not saying that mental disorders are not serous and should not be treated.  Instead, what I am saying is that sometimes the road we are on has many bumps and valleys that can cause us to feel down in the dumps and part of the healing that we need is not to go around pretending to be OK when we aren’t, but we need to be honest. 

            On a personal note, I can recall a time when I was grieving the loss of my grandmother and I attending an event and every time I was greeted with, “Hi, how are you?” I responded with, “Hi, I’m good.  How are you?”  That is until a friend approached me and knew about my loss and asked how I was doing.  I looked at her and said, “I’m struggling.  This grief is really hard and I miss her.”  After I said that, I felt a huge sense of relief like a weight had been lifted form me.  It felt so good to be honest about how I was feeling to someone!  I’m not recommending that you tell every person you come in contact with about all of your feelings and all of your problems, but it’s ok if you’re not ok.  It’s ok to respond with, “I’m having a hard day.”  Perhaps there is one person, a friend perhaps, whom you can be honest with about how you are feeling.  Lately in our culture the phrase, “How are you?” gets automatically attached to “Hi” that they have become a greeting rather than an actual inquiry about each other.  We say, “Hi, how are you?” and then continue on our way before the person even has the chance to offer an answer.  Individuals are left feeling as though the person asking doesn’t really care and that they don’t want to burden them with their troubles.  We are often left to feel as though we can’t say “I’m not doing good,” which then leads individuals to think that it’s not ok to feel this way which only causes them to sink deeper in their sadness or grief or anxiety or isolation.  It is OK to experience the emotions that you are faced with.  It is OK to open up and tell someone how you are actually doing instead of pretending.  It is Ok to reach out for help. 

            I encourage you to find someone whom you can be honest with about your feelings so you do not need to struggle alone.  If you have no one, please contact me, or a local counselor, to help walk you through this struggle.  Also, I encourage you all that the next time you ask someone, “How are you?” to pause long enough to hear their answer and you can reassure them that it’s OK to not be OK if they are not “fine”.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC

How To Make 2016 Great!

            When you awoke this morning (January 1) you not only awoke to a new day but a new year.  Most individuals respond in one of two ways when a new year arrives; excitement to see what the new year has to offer as the previous year was so full of exciting things or anticipation to a new year that is better than the previous year that seemed to be full of turmoil.  Where does this new year find you?  The start of a new year offers individuals the opportunity to shed themselves of the previous as well as the opportunity to prepare for better things ahead. 

            So the big question is: how can you ensure that this year will be better than the previous year?  There is no perfect answer on how to create a perfect year as life happens and can create unpleasant obstacles that you cannot control.  However, in the midst of these obstacles, there are things that you can always control and focusing on what you do have control over will help you overcome the obstacles.  You may not be able to control the things that happen to you, but you do have control over how you respond to the obstacles.  You have choices you can make which puts you in control….you can either figure out how to get over the obstacle or you can just look at how big the obstacle is.  Now I ask you, which one will help you overcome the obstacle?  How you view the obstacle is going to effect how you will respond to the obstacle.  If you look at it and see it as an obstacle to overcome, then you will respond in a manner of planning a way to get over the obstacle.  On the other hand, if you just look at the obstacle and grumble and complain about the obstacle and the size and the timing, then you will only see it as yet another bad thing that has happened to you.

            Many individuals attempt to create a better year by establishing new year resolutions.  Often times, many individuals create new year resolutions only to be disappointed when they fail at maintaining their commitment to their resolutions.  Some individuals even grumble at the mere mention of a new year resolution.  So the question remains on if new year resolutions are beneficial or even helpful in creating a better year.  Yes, healthy resolutions can be helpful in creating a more positive year for you.  What makes a resolution healthy?  I am not referring to a resolution of eating a salad everyday or making kale shakes in the mornings.  A healthy resolution is one that has realistic expectations and positive motivation behind it.  For example, a woman makes a new year’s resolution to go to the gym everyday.  First off, the expectation of making it to the gym everyday is not a realistic expectation of one’s time, which she is only setting herself up for failure.  She can choose to make a resolution to go to the gym three to four times a week, that is a more realistic expectation.  Next, what is her motivation for wanting to go to the gym…to get in shape, to prepare for a marathon, to lose weight (does she NEED to lose weight), or a self-hatred toward her body?  If her motivation is the latter two (and she is at an already healthy weight) then taking time to explore the root of her reasons for wanting to go to the gym would be more beneficial to her.  Yes, attending the gym could offer healthy benefits to her as exercise helps us to be healthy, but if she is using exercise as a way to cover up her pain left behind from the previous year, then it can only create more harm than good.  Along with exploring the root of her reasons, she could truly benefit from self-care options that focus on taking care of her body in a loving way like getting a massage or even a manicure or pedicure.  Healthy resolutions come from healthy motivation and realistic expectations.  If you have made a resolution for this upcoming year, take a look at what is motivating this change you want to make.

            So as 2016 has greeted us today, how will you respond to the new year…with excitement or dread?  Hopefully you have been able to see ways to make 2016 a better year for you by looking at life’s obstacles in a different light and realizing you have control over more than you realized.  Also, making healthy resolutions to hold yourself accountable for the new year can also help make 2016 great. 

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC

Bah Hum Bug

     Ready or not…the holidays are upon us.  thanksgiving is over a week away and yet the stores have exploded with Christmas for weeks already.  The idealistic holiday is full of happiness and family gatherings full of love and presents under the tree.  However, this may not be a realistic version of the holidays for some people.  In fact, the holidays could be a trigger of anxiety and depression for many individuals who try to hide their pain during the holiday season for fear of being called a "Scrooge".  Trying to explain your pain to others often leaves them baffled as to how you could hate Christmas.  As you may enjoy listening to the sounds of Christmas music to get you in the Christmas spirit, there are others that experience a panic attack at just the sound of christmas music.  This does not make them a Scrooge or a Christmas hater, but it does take some understanding.  You see, those songs that get you in the spirit could also be a reminder to another person of their inability to buy Christmas presents for their children this year.  Another individual may be experiencing grief and is trying to figure out how to get through the first Christmas without their loved one.  Perhaps someone lost a loved one during the holiday season and the holiday only serves as a reminder of the anniversary of their loved one's death and their hurt and pain.  Maybe this individual recently got divorced and as they sort through their shattered hopes and dreams, they also find themselves all alone for the holidays.  Another individual may have grown up in an abusive and dysfunctional family and family gatherings only magnify the issues and causes more pain each year.  Before you pass judgement on another person's holiday spirit or lack thereof, try to take a minute and understand what walk of life they are coming from.  The holidays are full of hustle and bustle and everyone is so busy, but are you too busy to reach out to those who are hurting during the holiday season?  Perhaps you could send them a card just to let them know you are thinking of them and that they are not alone, make arrangements to meet up with them for a hot cup of coffee and just be there to listen to them, invite them to join you for the holidays, surprise them with a gift card.

     To those individuals suffering through the holidays please know that it is okay.  It is okay for you to feel sad during this time of year.  it is okay to not feel in the Christmas spirit.  Do what you can to get through the holidays.  If that means putting up a small tree instead of a big..then do it.  If that means avoiding Christmas music or movies…then do it.  If that means changing things and creating new traditions…then do it.  Create realistic expectations for yourself and do not measure yourself according to everyone else's unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes reaching out to others can hep you feel better so look for opportunities where you can feel useful and helpful like helping out in a soup kitchen, visit a lonely person in a nursing home, or write notes to soldiers over seas unable to spend Christmas with their families.  Please know that it is okay and you will survive this season of life.  Don't hesitate to reach out to a friend or counselor if you need someone to walk with you through this season.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLOC

Understanding Anxiety

     Anxiety is one of the most common reasons individuals seek counseling.  The national Institute of Mental Health (NIHM) estimates that 18.1 percent of adults suffer from anxiety in the United States.  That is 40 million people suffering from anxiety severe enough to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.  Most people don't realize how prevalent anxiety is as it is one of the "quiet" disorders.  It can be a relief to those suffering from anxiety that their symptoms are not noticeable to those around them.  however, when your symptoms are not visible to others, they find it difficult to understand that you are actually suffering because they cannot see it.
     So, what is it like to suffer from anxiety?  A few years ago I was watching a movie, (Breaking Dawn, please don't judge me based on this…) and a clip form the movie always struck out to me that has a strong resemblance to suffering form anxiety.  In the movie, one of the main characters, Bella, is turning into a vampire (no I am not comparing anxiety to being a vampire or a demon) and according to the story line this is an extremely painful process.  Many of the characters feared she was dead as she laid there for days in a coma like state when she should have been writhing in pain.  The movie switched from this peaceful picture of her lying there to the internal torment and pain she was actually experiencing.  One moment we see her lying peacefully, then the next moment we see her internally screaming and writhing in pain.  THIS is anxiety…where an individual may appear calm and collective on the outside when they are experiencing extreme turmoil internally.  For an example, an individual with an anxiety disorder walks into a party and appears tone like everyone else.  However, what you do not see or notice is that the individual's heart rate has accelerated to the point of feeling as though they are suffering from a heart attack, their breathing is shallow as they are experiencing shortness of breath. They are trying to calm their anxiety but instead their head is screaming, "Why did you come here?  You don't know anyone!  Everyone will notice that you came alone and think you are undateable.  How are you going to talk to people, you don't have anything important to say?  Everyone is looking at me!  Why did I wear this shirt?  What is no one talks to me?  What if no one likes me?"  And all of this takes place within the first five seconds of walking through the door before you even notice them.  The thought process carries on the same way throughout the rest of the evening only increasing the heart rate and they may experience sweaty palms, urgency to move around as the anxiety energy is building up and trying to find a way out.  They go through the evening feeling like an elephant is sitting on their chest.  Why?   Because they suffer from anxiety and this happens nearly everyday no matter where they go and life doesn't stop because you have anxiety.
     How is anxiety treated?  From a therapeutic perspective, the triggers of your anxiety will need to be identified as well as any negative self talk that contributes to your anxiety.  Working with a therapist to stop the negative thought process and replace them with positive thoughts can be of great help in reducing anxiety.  Learning different relaxation techniques and deep breathing can help, especially when the anxiety is heightened.  Work on being present with full body awareness to bring your mind and thoughts to what you can physically feel, see, smell, hear, and taste right now.  If your anxiety is so overwhelming that you feel as though you are unable to function, you can talk with your doctor as anxiety can also be treated with medication until your anxiety is under control enough to work on the coping skills.
     If you have any further thoughts, questions, or comments, please direct them to me at lynnleinhos@gmail.com and I will be glad to help.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Counselor,

Lynn Leinhos, MS, LLPC